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some days

5569250019 634d7b35dc z some days

some days just start out with my heart aching and I have to fight to try to keep my head above the water, I have a trend here in my imagery, treading water , I have been told that  I am holding fast to the pier but that is a different image, I say keeping my head above water, keeping the stones out of my pockets….all the images of a woman who feels that she is drowning in the depths of what? sorrow. unfulfilled love. an unfulfilled life. a broken heart. uncertainty. loneliness of spirit. These are my moment by moment predators…I can distract myself from them with travel ,with new voices , with study and reading and learning but in the night and in the morning there they are, they wake me up wanting attention, they wake up with me wanting coffee…the weather is in conspiracy with them , it snows, it rains , it is foggy but even when it is sunny, the sun mocks me and knows that it is just a false spring – not a true change in my season.  I do not lack the courage to face them down. If I were not brave I would already have sunk into the depths , if I were not brave I would not have started this journey. It is a journey of solitude even though people have joined me in my heart , I must travel it alone and bewildered. Years ago in hypnosis I saw a woman who represented my future self and she was walking down a road and what struck me most about her was her stride, her self assured pace, her head held high , her shoulders back and she had strongstrong tanned legs ( she had on khaki shorts but I tried to overlook that ) and I thought that was good  (but where is she going? is she loved ?  will she find what she seeks ? ) even then knowing what it was that she was looking for but not knowing how to find it. I now see myself in that future self ( sans khaki shorts ). I am her but the questions are still there. Every word on this page is a step forward but my heart aches  still with longing ….

2 Comments (Add Yours)

  1. Damn, Martha, this is good. The language is beautiful, though it expresses such bleakness. (I love your "my moment by moment predators.") But I know EXACTLY what you're saying. You just say it so well. I think one reason I so often feel tired is all the damned stones in my pockets.

  2. sending you so much light and love

    had to smile at the thought of those damn pedators wanting their morning coffee

    xoxo

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